marriage and divorce
if marriage is for people who cannot live without the person they love, then divorce is for people who can no longer love the person they live with.
this statement is something i thought of when my parents quarreled today while i was feverish and trying to get some sleep. i got awoke from my sleep when i heard my dad screamed at my mum. it's not the first time. i opened my door, only to see cushions on the dining room, evidence of it being strewn from the living room. my head was spinning, abeit too tired to pull myself outta bed to find out what's wrong. my younger sis cried and started saying a lot of things. yet she can still pin point the incident when she started hating my dad. she described the details, she spoke of the day when she found herself starting to hate him. a child - and she used hate. i worry for her emotional health, i worry for her spirit which was bruised since she's young. she asked me a question "why did mum marry dad knowing he's like that?" i asked my mum this question before and she said it wasn't used to be like that. she never knew my dad had such temper issue, she never knew that dad was like that until she married him. den the question popped "can love really stand the test of time?"
the incident that they started quarreling was bcos my mum sat beside a guy in the bus when they was a choice to sit beside a lady. that spurred the jealousy in my dad and they quarreled later in the evening back home. he hurled words that these kind of incidents kept repeating and that she's a slut and stuff. he laid down very clearly that from today onwards, they shall sleep separately, he will do his own laundry and that they will never go out together ever again. words of out a spite of anger to hint of divorce, words that hurt my mum and betrayed the kind of trust that she has in him in this marriage. words that when i heard, i felt the heartache for her.
then my dad brought up the issue of christianity again. this is an issue that i believe he always think that my mum owe it to him. being an alpha male, he believed that educating and disciplining a child is only dependent on the mum. he blamed her again and again and yet again this time for the issue of not stopping us from attending church. guilt filled my heart again. for putting my mum through this kind of torture again and again. i purposedly sat at the dining room, typing out this entry even as the quarrel goes on in the living room. i heard my mum question "u dont trust me even though i explain so many times i already tried to stop them?" and all he can reply is "its all your fault" my sister's wedding is coming up in a few months' time. he said he hasnt decided whether or not to go for the church wedding. at that point my mum really broke down and cried. she said that he couldn't not go because it will just tear the r/s in this family. they quarreled yet again and again. and he purposely spoke up again about baptism, about how my bro and sis went for baptism and that i have not. and he said it very clearly to mum (and he did it on purpose so that i could hear it) that if i want to go for baptism, then let it be after he passed away. and my mum asked him to tell me directly since i'm only sitting at the dining room, he did not and just kept quiet. baptism and bible school once again seemed like something so unachievable, something like a dream that's so far away. but i shall take it by force. nothing and nobody is going to stop me from being water baptised, eventually when i hit 21, that'll be the first bday present i will give to myself. a few days back when i spoke to simon about the things i'm feeling, he said we all need the grace of God. truely we all need His grace.
speaking about hate, i dont hate my dad for everything he said n done. afterall it jus reflects of the insecurities in his heart. in situations like these, children will side the mum, leaving the dad alone like though his children dont care about him. i try to put myself in his shoes and hate wasnt the emotion i was feeling for him. it was sympathy and pity.
this statement is something i thought of when my parents quarreled today while i was feverish and trying to get some sleep. i got awoke from my sleep when i heard my dad screamed at my mum. it's not the first time. i opened my door, only to see cushions on the dining room, evidence of it being strewn from the living room. my head was spinning, abeit too tired to pull myself outta bed to find out what's wrong. my younger sis cried and started saying a lot of things. yet she can still pin point the incident when she started hating my dad. she described the details, she spoke of the day when she found herself starting to hate him. a child - and she used hate. i worry for her emotional health, i worry for her spirit which was bruised since she's young. she asked me a question "why did mum marry dad knowing he's like that?" i asked my mum this question before and she said it wasn't used to be like that. she never knew my dad had such temper issue, she never knew that dad was like that until she married him. den the question popped "can love really stand the test of time?"
the incident that they started quarreling was bcos my mum sat beside a guy in the bus when they was a choice to sit beside a lady. that spurred the jealousy in my dad and they quarreled later in the evening back home. he hurled words that these kind of incidents kept repeating and that she's a slut and stuff. he laid down very clearly that from today onwards, they shall sleep separately, he will do his own laundry and that they will never go out together ever again. words of out a spite of anger to hint of divorce, words that hurt my mum and betrayed the kind of trust that she has in him in this marriage. words that when i heard, i felt the heartache for her.
then my dad brought up the issue of christianity again. this is an issue that i believe he always think that my mum owe it to him. being an alpha male, he believed that educating and disciplining a child is only dependent on the mum. he blamed her again and again and yet again this time for the issue of not stopping us from attending church. guilt filled my heart again. for putting my mum through this kind of torture again and again. i purposedly sat at the dining room, typing out this entry even as the quarrel goes on in the living room. i heard my mum question "u dont trust me even though i explain so many times i already tried to stop them?" and all he can reply is "its all your fault" my sister's wedding is coming up in a few months' time. he said he hasnt decided whether or not to go for the church wedding. at that point my mum really broke down and cried. she said that he couldn't not go because it will just tear the r/s in this family. they quarreled yet again and again. and he purposely spoke up again about baptism, about how my bro and sis went for baptism and that i have not. and he said it very clearly to mum (and he did it on purpose so that i could hear it) that if i want to go for baptism, then let it be after he passed away. and my mum asked him to tell me directly since i'm only sitting at the dining room, he did not and just kept quiet. baptism and bible school once again seemed like something so unachievable, something like a dream that's so far away. but i shall take it by force. nothing and nobody is going to stop me from being water baptised, eventually when i hit 21, that'll be the first bday present i will give to myself. a few days back when i spoke to simon about the things i'm feeling, he said we all need the grace of God. truely we all need His grace.
speaking about hate, i dont hate my dad for everything he said n done. afterall it jus reflects of the insecurities in his heart. in situations like these, children will side the mum, leaving the dad alone like though his children dont care about him. i try to put myself in his shoes and hate wasnt the emotion i was feeling for him. it was sympathy and pity.